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Oh, Man.

In a conversation revolving around the fear and danger that men present,

This moment is not about us,

So we need to listen – and hear.

***

In the first five months of 2024 alone, we have had 32 women killed by violence in Australia,

Last year the total was 74.

On April 28, more than 10,000 Victorians marched against gender-based violence,

On May 1, it was the National Domestic Violence Remembrance Day,

With a light being shone on the shadowy insidiousness of domestic abuse,

Both through people-power,

And the proceeding media coverage,

The predictability of the counterargument begins;

The calls of the issue being ‘blown out of proportion’ arise again,

The comments of ‘hysteria’,

And as always – the ‘not all men’ argument.

But in a world, a country, a society where women are being killed –

And by the time this piece is read, sadly, it will only be more,

It isn’t a time for what-aboutisms,

Or brick-walling.

It’s time to listen,

To hear.

A time for positive, drastic change,

And a time to work together.

*

While it needn’t be said that not every man is a perpetrator of violence,

When the numbers are this high,

And the danger is shown to exist both on our streets and in our homes,

It is clear that in this time of heightened fear,

Every man could be a perpetrator.

And why not?

When we have all the makings of a perpetrator.

In that – we’re men, we’re partners, we’re strangers to those we pass by,

We’re what most perpetrators appear to be –

Just regular, everyday guys.

And so – why not us?

Why would we expect to be given the benefit of the doubt by those that don’t know us?

Why, knowing what could happen, would the default position be for a random stranger to trust us blindly?

If we live in a world where we’re fine seeing the blanket labelling of one religious group as being behind all terror attacks,

If we’re fine with the labelling of one political group being good – and the other bad,

One orientation being the undoing of the sanctity of marriage,

Or one colour of people being the bad kind of immigrant.

Then why wouldn’t the same sweeping generalisations be placed unto us?

That men are the primary perpetrators of violence against women,

And so, the wary eyes turn to us,

And wonder – what if?

*

Because at night,

When I’m walking behind a woman in a darkened street,

Both on our way to our homes after a night out,

It doesn’t matter if I know that she could probably beat the shit out of me,

Or that I’d rather drink a cocktail with her than ever pursue her romantically or sexually,

In her mind, I’m a ‘What if?’

What if I’ve been following her since she left the bar?

What if I got off at her tram stop deliberately?

What if I’m the one who will grab her from behind?

What if I’m the one who will kill her?

*

It’s not up to us to simply voice our innocence,

Our actions are what make our words mean something,

And prove what we say,

And our allyship is desperately needed to help what often feels un-helpable.

And so, it is up to us to assist in alleviating these fears,

And change this tide.

*

So when we’re walking behind her along the darkened street,

We can cross the road.

If a friend is getting out of line,

We can call it out.

The time spent mashing a keyboard in the replies of news article,

Furious that we could ever be mistakenly lumped into the same category as the ‘bad guys’,

The women we’re living with, working alongside, walking behind, have all done the math in their heads,

Terrified of becoming another statistic,

Another face at a vigil.

They live a life where they’ve done the mental gymnastics each time they’ve felt unsafe;

Wondering if they should scream or not,

Or put their keys between their knuckles,

Or start dialling 000.

Their fear is real,

Our egos are bruised.

This. Isn’t. About. Us.

*

If we can take a beat,

Take a step back,

And think about this from someone else’s perspective.

If we can listen, and hear,

And work to make this world a safer place for them to live,

To try and help them to feel safer,

To help them feel less afraid,

If we can look inwards,

And also have some hard conversations with those around us –

Why wouldn’t we?

As people on this planet together,

If there’s something we can do –

Especially when it is no skin off our nose –

That helps someone else feel safer as they make their way through the world,

A world with so many fears and threats that we cannot control,

Why wouldn’t we?

We’re in this together.

*

It shouldn’t take a personal connection to this issue to be taken seriously,

To prompt us to put our voices and actions into getting something done about it.

It shouldn’t need to happen to our sisters, mothers, nieces or friends for our attention to be secured,

And the demand for change to called for.

We do this in the hopes that we never have to go through this in our own lives,

And knowing that everyone else deserves the same chance at peace.

*

Domestic abuse doesn’t come with the same abilities to avoid danger that other risks do.

This isn’t a shark attack victim,

This is everywhere, every day, everyone,

The risk exists in all facets of their lives –

There’s no water to avoid swimming in to keep safe.

Avoiding romantic relationships comes with danger.

Going shopping comes with danger.

Coming home comes with danger.

Living in this world is dangerous.

*

And with a danger this dark and insidious,

There’s not just one place to look for it,

Nor only one place for the finger of blame to point –

And so our male egos need to be taken out of this.

It’s not about shouting from the roof tops that we’re not the ones who are dangerous,

Not killing someone is a great first step in being a decent human –

But there’s plenty more steps we can (and need to) do to do our bit to help.

It’s about listening to the women who are living this very real fear that someone they know, someone they don’t, or worst of all, someone they love, could be the one to hurt them –

Or worse,

Be the one that kills them.

And if it makes us as men feel uncomfortable,

One can only imagine what it must feel like for women.

*

We don’t dismiss the seriousness of brain cancer,

Simply because breast cancer takes more lives.

We give our time, air, and resources to every and all issues that are important,

That impact lives.

And at any one point, one might be given the spotlight over another.

And with that light, and with that oxygen,

Comes the ability to help.

Supporting those who are doing the work,

Raising funds and raising awareness,

And helping people in this dark, make it out the other side.

And right now, by reading this, you’re giving your time to this one.

And if you still can’t see the importance of this issue,

In saving lives, and helping others go about theirs feeling safer –

Go use your energy and time to help another cause instead.

*

There is nothing shrill, or overblown about this issue,

Sadly, it is just so normalised that to change seems to be the unfathomable reality,

Because where do we even start?

How can we change this?

When for years and years and years this fear has been so normalised,

And ingrained.

For women to be taught to live cautiously;

Whether through their words, their dress, their actions,

Rather than men being asked to alter our actions, our words, our thinking.

So of course, it’s normal to feel stumped,

To wonder how our world can be changed so much,

To get the numbers to drop from being that high,

Down to zero.

To have long held fears alleviated,

And to change perceptions –

But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done,

And it certainly doesn’t mean that it’s too big of a job to even try to start.

Because to begin, we can do something as simple as listening,

To the people this affects,

And to the experts who come with a plan.

Steps can be taken;

Some can be implemented immediately,

And some changes can only be made, step by step, over time,

But to make the world a safer one,

Where those we walk alongside don’t have to fear for their lives in spaces we share –

That’s a worthy cause if ever there was one. And we can all do our bit to help.

***

Family and domestic violence support: