*

In our lives, we are made up of three different yet equal parts;

Mind, body, and spirit.

But what are we if one of the three is taken away?

Are we the same?

Are we still who we once were?

Or have we lost a critical part of what made us who we were,

And so, like a car missing a wheel,

Are we then destined to be stuck,

Going round and around in circles,

No longer able to move forward.

Destination-less.

And if we take the mind away,

And leave behind the body,

Is there still a tangible spirit left?

**

Our mind is the only thing that is ever truly our own.

No matter what is happening outside of ourselves;

The noise, the distractions, and the constant movement and changing in the world –

Inside, our mind is something that is only ever for us.

A constant monologue, to be only ever heard by us.

Tuned into us,

And broadcasting only ever for us.

My fear –

My biggest fear,

Is that I am losing mine.

And whilst in one sense, I lost my mind a long, long time ago,

And was, in a way, set free.

My real fear, is that my mind,

My thoughts, my memories, and all the things that make my mind uniquely my own,

Will be taken from me,

By a thief in the night.

That thief’s name is Alzheimer’s,

And I’m scared he’s after me.

**

In the world,

Alzheimer’s can either be a medical condition you’ve heard about in passing,

Or a period in the life of a loved one that has ripped your family apart.

When it’s something that you hear about through the news,

Or via a charity initiative,

It’s never really much of a thought, much less a fear,

But that can all change,

Once it comes knocking.

**

My fear is that I will develop this disease,

That the mind will be snatched away from me,

And with it, everything it has brought me;

The creativity, the achievements, the ability to store memories of joy,

And everything else it has done for me, will be gone too.

And whilst there is no medical certainty as to who will or won’t develop the disease,

The feeling of helplessness continues to fuel the fear.

Because if that is the card that I am to be dealt in life,

And there not being anything that can be done to slow down its progression,

No amount of pleading, lifestyle changes, or supplements, will stave off this disease once it’s on its mission.

**

After my grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in his seventies,

And I bore witness to his descent into the grips of the illness;

Slowly at first, then seemingly in a snap.

I have seen firsthand how insidious and cruel a beast the disease can be.

First, it came for his mind;

His memory – short-term first, then long.

Then it took his spirit;

His ability to recognise those he loved,

And his ability to converse with them.

And finally,

It took his body too.

**

For me, in my life, Alzheimer’s has become a fear greater than the innately human fear of being taken from this earth entirely.

Because to have everything that I love,

And everything that I have ever loved,

That I’ve had, treasured, and stored in a memory box be then taken away from me,

Piece by piece,

Feels like the worst pain imaginable.

To have had, and then to lose,

Only to continue having to go on existing in the midst of that loss,

Seems far crueller than having it all gone, together, in one fell swoop.

**

Alzheimer’s starts slow,

There’s confusion.

Irritability.

Mind-slips.

Brain-farts.

We’ve all been there.

It seems all too normal.

Like just another part of life.

The part where we smack ourselves on the forehead,

Wondering why we’re being so dumb.

Then suddenly, it rears up,

And ravages everything in its path.

All of a sudden, it’s memories – gone.

Recognition – gone.

And ultimately, life as you’ve known it – gone.

It can take months, years, or decades,

But much like the erosion of a shoreline,

Every moment that the disease lies within you,

It is eating away at who you are, and what you hold dear.

Bit by bit,

Part by part,

All slipping away –

No matter how much you may try and resist.

**

So when a word fails to come to my mind,

When I forget why I walked into a room,

Or when I can’t remember the name of a person that’s just been introduced to me,

I run cold.

I – ironically – begin to overthink,

And panic.

Piecing together all the moments where this has happened before,

Questioning whether it’s getting more frequent,

And wondering if ‘this is it’.

The start of my own descent.

The last time my brain will ever work this well.

**

Whilst death is an inevitability in life,

The loss of a mind isn’t.

We all hope that we’ll go out in our sleep,

With time to say goodbye to our loved ones.

But what if we have no recollection of who our loved ones are?

**

So if one day it comes for me,

If this proves to be my path;

If I should forget, before I wake –

This is what I want to remember…

**

The expanse of love that has been in my life,

From the friends and the family,

And those who were just a blip.

The ones born into my life,

And every minute I’ve had watching them grow.

The beauty that comes from the world around us,

Both natural and man-made.

The parts of the world I have seen,

And those that have only ever existed on my screen.

The lessons I have learned,

Both in school and through that of the hard knocks.

The privilege of education,

And the education that comes from getting out in the wider world.

For the time people have afforded me,

Those who’ve been kind enough to bring me along with them as they walk through their own life,

And all the memories that were made by  sharing portions of our lives together.

If I should forget, before I wake,

I want to express gratitude to my mind when it was at its best.

Or its most active.

And my thoughts;

Every good, bad, horrible, and calming thought I’ve ever had.

Because the good times in life are so good,

Because of the bad times that come both before and after them,

And the same can be said of my mind.

For the times that it turns on me,

Becoming my biggest critic,

Trying to break me down,

There are also the times it brings me comfort,

Creativity,

And clarity.

For everything that has made me who I am,

And brought me to the place I find myself today.

And just as a mind is a scrapbook of everything that has ever happened to me,

My happiness and joy in life, too, is a collation of so many great memories.

And some of the most important that aren’t happy, but extremely powerful.

And I’m grateful for those too.

For what my mind has given me,

For all the moments that those around me have given me,

And for the ways in which they have all shaped my world.

If these are ever to be taken from me,

I want it to be said how grateful I was – and am – to have been given them in the first place.

For I am glad to have had them for a moment, and watched them get snatched away,

Then to have never of had them at all.

**

Fear is a funny beast,

Because it is when I find myself in this panic,

Even sitting here now,

In a frenzied flipping of the pages,

Pressing play on the memories stored haphazardly in my mind,

Scouring as far back as my memory can afford me,

Where I find that the pages are plentiful,

The memories are vivid,

And that through simply seeking to remember and replay these moments,

The memories of the joy, the excitement, and all of the different versions of love re-enter me,

And fill me up,

And I am gifted the ability to experience them all over again.

The fear is real and ever-present,

Sure,

But it is because of this fear that I have then made the space and time to reflect on them,

And to remember.

And what it has taught me,

Is that when we slow down,

We can see that there is a finality in all our lives,

In all parts of our lives.

In our abilities,

Our relationships,

And in the time we have left.

And instead of moping around in the morose nature of this fact –

What it can do,

And what we all ultimately have the power to do,

Is allow this fact to give us the kick up the ass we often need to be grateful for what we do have,

While we have it,

And to make sure we don’t wait around for the ‘tomorrow’,

Because we never know what tomorrow may hold.

**

So to Tomorrow,

If it is to be that everything shall be taken from me,

Know that the memories I hold dear,

And all that I have been able to do and witness,

Are held in a place deeper than can ever be reached,

Never to be taken by an invisible thief.

Because what has been, and what has come before,

Has made me who I am,

And that is held in my bones and in my spirit.

Everlasting.

Building who I am,

Who I was,

Who I will become,

And who I will always be.

So take my mind, if you must,

But know that even if one day I can’t recall,

I am who I am,

And will always be,

Because of them.

**

Fear is a cruel beast; but what a teacher you have proven to be.

**

So if I should forget, before I wake,

Or should I never wake again,

Know this –

It’s been great.

And I am grateful.