“ This was the close. This was the moment. He pressed the golden metal to his lips and whispered, ‘I am about to die.’ ”
– Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
When you are standing at the end, ready to bring your final chapter to a close, there is the strangest feeling in the air.
It’s not quite calm, because your heart is beating like crazy.
But you’re not scared either, because it honestly seems like this is the only route left for your life to take.
For me, all I felt was…numb.
I felt that my life had run its course.
That there was no-one left to turn to.
No-one left to talk to.
No-one who could save me.
I felt like I’d come to the point where, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t see myself making it out the other side.
Beaten down, and without hope, I felt that the darkness in life had overrun the good.
Words, thrown like knives, had left scars that couldn’t heal over.
There were only so many times I could shake off the hatred and negativity, and continue to fight.
I’d lost the ability to bounce back with unwavering positivity.
To plaster on a smile and believe that it would get better.
The mission was now complete, I felt completely and utterly worthless.
I’d reached the end of my rope.
And so, at just 21,
I walked over and locked my bedroom door, and turned out the lights.
I took out a knife, and a packet of pills, and I climbed into bed.
I pulled the doona up to my chest, opened my notebook, and wrote down everything that I hated the most about myself.
The list was long – a physical copy of all the words that I had been called, and the words that I was beginning to call myself.
I didn’t know what was going to happen that night, but I was sure I wouldn’t see the sun rise on a new day.
Then, from across the room, I saw the doorknob begin to turn, then there was a knock at the door.
I tried to hide everything under my doona, but it was too late.
I had been caught,
I ended up seeing that next sunrise.
It rose again, just the same as it did every other day.
And so did I.
I felt embarrassed, weak, and above all else, I was tired.
Every part of my body, mind and soul was exhausted.
I was so ashamed that I had been caught.
Caught in a moment so vulnerable that for the first time in my life, my whole soul had been seen; stomped on, bare and bleeding.
There was no more covering it up with an armour of smiles.
This was me.
Broken, alone and scared.
I was tired of the world being such a cruel place.
A place where people climb over the bodies of others to get what they want.
A place where people have the ability to feel and express such hatred towards one another.
A place where we could be made to feel like we are nothing.
And yet, I was still here, and I was faced with one big question.
‘How do I move on from this moment?’
What do you do when you thought that you had reached your end, and then you wake up the next day to start all over again?
Every day on from that moment can be the hardest.
Because there’s no promise of it getting any easier.
You can pick yourself up, you can put yourself back together, but you’ll never be able to be the version of yourself that you were once before.
There’s no ‘quick fix’.
No way to paint over that part of who you are in an attempt at being someone else.
You are stuck being you, scars and all.
But there is nothing to stop you putting that moment behind you, and pushing forward in the search of happiness and freedom from your own inner (and outer) turmoil.
The search can be the scariest part.
Wandering into the dark, inky and black, feeling around blindly in the search of the light.
But we are born with the ability to hold on.
To hold on to the real, tangible, love that can be found all around us.
And the ability to hold onto hope.
The hope that happiness does exist.
The hope that there is light just around the next bend.
The hope that tomorrow will be better than yesterday.
The hope that we can be healed.
And in a world that is so frequently a dark and scary place to be –
Hope is the only thing we have left.
And it is that which will keep us going until the light comes on and we see that next sunrise.
Write For Your Fight believes that freedom from the darkness begins by turning on the light, and telling your story.
If you, or someone you know, is going through a rough time, there are people ready to hear you story and help you find the light: