***
So… chances are, I’ve thought about you dying.

I haven’t been plotting, but I have been planning.

You see, my mind is working overtime to ensure that there’s not an outcome or a situation that I’m not prepared for.

I’m not a survivalist; with a basement filled with canned foods and a generator.

Rather, I’ve found myself playing out life’s worst scenarios in my head,

All in the hopes that if (God forbid) any of them should ever eventuate,

I could find myself somewhat prepared for them.

Whether it’s the death of a loved one,

Or losing my job.

The demise of a relationship,

Or being torn apart,

My mind has prepped words, actions, and responses for me, in an attempt to shield myself from being underprepared,

Or worse yet – in a bid to avoid being completely shattered by anything.

It’s a sad reality,

When we learn that there’s truly so little in our lives that we can ever really control.

That bad things can and will happen,

And there’s only so much we can do in our bid to prolong life.

But once we’ve learned this,

And possibly accepted this –

We can surrender to the world and the course it’s set on,

Or we can drive ourselves crazy trying to wrestle control from something that will never give up the reigns.

***

Throughout life, there are those moments that you can’t get back,

Or have a re-do at.

The things we’ve put in the ‘later’ basket,

Only to miss the chance to ever do them.

Having words left stuck;

Forever unsaid.

Or losing something we thought we’d have forever.

I’ve found that since I can’t stop anything from happening –

I can do my best to prep myself to be ready for whatever does.

My mind has chosen to go to some of the darkest places,

Picturing the worst of the worst-case scenarios,

So that if they were ever to occur, I’d have my gameplan.

***

I understand why my brain has wired itself this way.

Focusing on the bad things,

In the hopes of feeling that there is some semblance of control I possess.

Because life’s cruellest twist, is that so often what we spend years worrying about,

Will inevitably happen in an instant.

Death and loss are some of our biggest fears,

Yet we’re still floored when they happen.

So we push these scenarios to the back of our minds,

And then we’re expected to plan a funeral in a week?

Nope, not for me.

I’m a planner,

A list maker,

A drafter,

A rewriter.

I need that extra time,

Because my first thought,

My first go at it,

It’s never my best.

And if I’m saying goodbye to someone I love,

I need that extra time up my sleeve.

To give them the send-off they deserve,

Or have ready the words they deserve to hear.

So before anything ever happens –

I’ve thought about it.

I’ve spent years planning and replanning,

Drafting and redrafting,

Mourning what hasn’t yet been lost,

And having my mind descend to the depths of some of life’s darkest scenarios – for this.

I appreciate it,

I’m not mad about it –

It’s a little weird, yes,

But I get it.

***

The most human part of all of this,

Is that my mind honestly thinks that it’s somehow outsmarting life.

My mere mortal mind,

Thinks that I could ever be one step ahead of each and every cruel hand that is due to be dealt.

It’s adorable actually, thinking that because I’ve thought about someone’s death;

Thought about a eulogy,

Or thought about the steps of getting through it –

That my mind thinks I won’t fall to pieces.

That because I’ve pictured it,

That the emotions won’t overcome me completely.

That I believe I’d be able to bypass the shock phase,

The denial phase,

The first four or five Stages of Grief, really,

And jump straight to Acceptance,

Standing tall and proud as the guide and saviour that others need in that moment.

Nice try.

***

I guess like most things in our lives,

It all comes back to fear.

Fear that I won’t get it right,

Fear that I’d have regrets,

Fear that the worst scenarios I dream up aren’t even the half of it.

And instead of wishing away what may be inevitable,

My brain has thrown me headfirst into it,

Hoping that it will be alright…for you.

***

I’ve thought about me dying.

About what I’m to leave behind,

And how much more there is I want to do.

The things I want to achieve,

And the love I want to ensure I give out before my heart stops and empties.

And instead of making me too sad,

It ignites something in me.

To make the most of our time here,

To see it as the finite amount of years it truly is,

And to make each moment with you count.

***

So yeah,

I’ve thought about you dying.

And it’s made me sad.

Yes.

But it’s also given me some jobs to do, too;

I might have drafted up some words to say about you,

Or favourited a photo that I could use to remember you.

Worked out which song could say it better than I could,

Or picked out what I’d wear.

But please don’t think I’m too strange,

Or too morose.

I do it out of care,

I swear,

To ensure that I can be the best version of myself,

No matter what inevitably comes my way.

And while my morbid mind is off down that road,

I really am lucky to have you right here,

Right now.

So thanks,

And sorry –

And please, please keep looking both ways before you cross the road.