November 15, 2017 – November 15, 2024.

***

Well, time certainly does fly –

Today marks seven years to the day since Australia voted ‘Yes’,

And it feels like it happened just yesterday,

Yet also a million years ago.

And though that day was the start of a joyful new beginning,

A moment of sheer relief and true happiness –

The trauma that came along with it was just as real too.

The moment that I stood in Prince Alfred Park in Sydney on that sunny November morning, amongst a sea of colour, awaiting that result –

All whilst having my face broadcast live to Australia.

***

It was the final hurdle in a months-long battle of Australia’s queer community having their hearts, souls, and lives put into the hands of the voting public to do with them what they so desired.

Months of campaigning and millions of dollars in government funding to hear one side spruik that ‘love was love’, and how all Australian’s deserved to be treated as equals and have their relationships seen as equal through the eyes of the law.

And then there were millions in funding awarded to the other side too,

So we could be told how same-sex couples were perverted, how we’d destroy the sanctity of marriage, and how our love was dooming humanity to an eternity of hellfire and brimstone, and that if we ever allowed a man to marry a man, that we may as well fuck the Harbour Bridge;

What a party, right?

***

When the government introduced the postal vote, my (then) fiancé (now legal, legal husband – to spoil the ending of this story) and I came to the decision that it was our duty to do our bit to hopefully help and progress the cause by sharing our story.

We’d become engaged the year before this popularity contest was announced, and were spending those blissful days before we knew what the word plebiscite meant planning our wedding together,

And because of this, we were in a unique place, with a unique perspective on this issue.

So we decided to open the doors to that moment in our lives,

And be open about what a legal marriage (or lack thereof) would mean to us.

We decided to do what we could to put a real-life face to a topic that was fast becoming shrouded in fearmongering and lies by its opposers.

And so, we found ourselves in the truly bizarre situation where we had to speak to the cameras about what our love was,

Why it was ‘worthy’,

And in turn,

Open the floodgates to people deeming us and our love both worthless and wrong.

Instead of the excitement and intrigue that may come with a TV or a newspaper interview,

We were having to open ourselves up to a centuries old smear campaign of same-sex couples being inherently wrong, dangerous, or evil,

And we had a millennia of homophobic and religious ideologies to come up against.

We had interviews where we’d basically be asking permission for our wedding to be allowed to go ahead,

For our marriage to be ‘signed off’ by those we’d never met before nor since,

Seemingly having to promise that we wouldn’t do or be anything too ‘weird’ or left-of-centre,

And that we’ll be a good, normal, boring married couple if you’d please let us, please.

***

I may never truly understand the intentions behind those who seek (and sought) to harbour division and sow misinformation in a bid to get their own way,

Those who spring up and demonise strangers for living their own lives, on their own terms, in their own lanes that do not intersect with theirs in any way.

We raised our voices, but the other side got loud – really loud.

It became exhausting having to argue with the bigoted brick walls,

But what gave me strength throughout this process was knowing the innate love and respect that was behind what we were fighting for,

And the fear and an underlying hatred or intolerance that was fuelling theirs.

So in the end, even if the vote didn’t go my way,

I found a peace in knowing that throughout it all, I wouldn’t have lost myself on this journey.

I wouldn’t have sold my soul nor lost my humanity,

By spouting lies, slurs and harbouring hatred in an attempt to get my way.

***

For me and my community, this moment in time was a crash-course in what it’s like to be placed front and centre in the court of public opinion,

Without ever asking to be there.

This wasn’t just facing a few of your schoolyard bullies,

This was the schoolyard bullies being granted free reign from their government,

And being invited to campaign against us as people –

All whilst getting funded to do so on as large a scale as possible.

Having a basic human right put to a vote,

And having that then recognise whether or not your love was real and if it should then be treated as such.

The crescendo of this months-long exposure campaign came on that Wednesday in November in central Sydney where we stood awaiting the results of the vote to be read out live.

And seven years to the day, I still haven’t felt as vulnerable, as nauseous, nor as helpless as I did standing there that day –

Camera in my face,

Journalists on their marks,

Ready to have my reaction broadcast to Australia at that very moment.

I had my gay t-shirt on,

I had my husband-to-be holding my hand,

And yet I felt completely isolated and alone.

It was as though I was a teenager declaring that I was gay again for the first time.

On the edge of a void, unsure where I would end up once I was thrown in head-first against my will.

A more dignified person than me may have been practising their ‘graceful loser face’ so as not to be seen as a poor sport should the vote have come back in the Negative,

But the negative for me was never something I could bring myself to practice,

There was no other option for me, for my heart, or for my soul.

Because this wasn’t ever about a law,

This was about me alone, and me in love, feeling accepted and respected in my home country.

And try as I might,

I knew that a vote against my right to marriage would only serve to make me feel like an outcast, again,

Like my country didn’t want me there,

That my love would only ever, from that day on, be seen as less-than.

As second-rate.

***

But as we well know, Yes won.

Love won that day.

61.6% Yes.

It was over.

We’d done it.

However, the joy in that moment; a true, unabashed communal joy,

Soon gave way to a relentless feeling of unease in the days after.

***

There was more than just a passing vulnerability hangover.

In a way, a part of me regretted doing all of that –

Being so visible, and so vulnerable on a national scale.

Part of me hated that I had to do all of that.

Regretted the need to be one of the faces of that moment.

To have to hit all the channels and humanise this issue,

To open myself up to the court of public opinion,

And the horrid words and actions that people deemed appropriate to say and do in public throughout this time –

And by ‘in public’ I generally mean behind the safety of their online anonymity and their keyboard.

But this was so much more important than choosing to blend into that hopeful crowd of rainbows and glitter that day.

It was bigger than comfort,

It was bigger than me.

I knew that if the vote didn’t pass that day,

That I wanted the people who had vehemently voted No to see what that vote did.

To know the humans it affected.

I found a morbid sense of comfort in knowing that if people saw that hurt and sadness once those results were read out, and felt nothing,

That that was OK.

Because I couldn’t change that.

Try as I might, no amount of press nor pleading would be able to prove that I was a worthy human to the most closed of minds,

But I wanted those who voted against it to see that hope being extinguished in my eyes,

To see the damage a tick in the ‘No’ box could do,

And if they felt better by zapping that hope, that dream –

Then I’m glad I could help them be certain of that.

I knew that this was going to be the price I’d have to pay for campaigning to get this across the line.

Because it can be so easy to villainise an idea, or a faceless mass of people.

To spew hatred online freely, without having to look into your victims eyes.

And in our world, we love nothing more than finding our own silos,

And living comfortably confined within them.

Finding our crowd,

And villainising those who fall outside of the ideals we hold.

To live with an Us vs Them mentality.

To believe that ‘if you’re not with me, than you’re against me’.

But this was what our government decided was best for us (…but really, for them),

They passed the buck, and we were the scapegoat.

***

Dramatic as I am,

It’s no overextension to state that this vote mattered more than the majority of Australia would ever understand,

And either result had the ability to change people’s lives forever –

To change my life forever.

One result for the better,

And one for the worse.

For those who campaigned for the No vote,

Their tomorrow would go on just as their yesterday did.

Their day would (and did) start and go on the exact same way on the first morning post-announcement.

Their marriages would remain intact,

Their lives going forth unchanged –

Onto the next campaign they would go.

Searching for a newer enemy.

But for those on the Yes side,

Those of us being ‘judged’,

Who were in the firing line,

It would be decidedly different if we had lost.

It may seem redundant to go backwards,

To venture down a road of a future that didn’t ever eventuate,

But if the No vote did in fact come up that day,

The lives of same-sex attracted Australians would have been ultimately impacted for the worse immediately.

Because there’s no way to not take the No campaign personally –

This was personal to us, and not to them.

These were our lives,

And our loves,

That people were inserting themselves into,

And trying to gain control of.

Because no matter how the politicians spun the line that this was ‘an issue that Australia had a right to vote and voice their opinion on’,

The truth was, the legality of same-sex marriages was only ever first banned in Australia in 2004,

When the Howard Government amended the Marriage Act to explicitly define marriage as “the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life”.

A decision that, at the time, the government decided was a decision best left to the government,

And so, a mere thirteen years later, that’s where we found ourselves,

Having to fight tooth and nail just to get that definition changed back –

To undo what they had changed without the thought for public consultation.

Arguing against people who claimed that this potential change was upending the laws of the land and ‘how it had always been’,

‘Always’…

Thirteen years.

***

With every cloud, or more accurately, with every raging storm,

Comes a silver-lining,

And a true light and lining that we were shown during this time was the value and importance of community,

And what that word can really mean.

The queer community of Australia,

And the countless, countless allies by our sides,

Showed that strength in numbers can be a true life-saver.

We fought with tears in our eyes;

Made up of equal parts anger and sadness.

Not through any kind of weakness,

But because this had been foisted upon us.

But we led, endlessly and unfailingly, with the power and fuel that was our love.

And that proved to be all we needed.

Because love is something you can’t ever take away from someone,

No matter how much you try.

***

Love won,

But the bruises and scars that people endured over that period will be felt for a long time to come.

My mental health still knows that year gave me one hell of a beating,

It was a uniquely horrid experience having to ‘prove’ yourself to people who had already made up their mind that you were, in their eyes, a second-class citizen.

But what that gave me was sympathy to those groups before and since who have been dragged through the court of public opinion by the government, the media, and society.

There’s always going to be a ‘public enemy number one’ in the media at any one time, the political football of the day, and this seemed to be our turn in the spotlight…again.

***

We knew marriage equality passing wasn’t going to be a moment where we waved a magic wand, and every hardship faced by those same-sex attracted Australians would disappear.

A weight taken off our shoulders together –

And forever healed.

I’m still the person I was the day before it came into law,

And nothing and no-one will change that, except for myself.

I could probably count on two hands the times I’ve said the words ‘my husband’ to someone I didn’t know since I’ve been married.

Certainly not out of shame of the relationship I signed into law in February 2018,

But because the same anxieties I have about being treated differently, othered, or endangered by ‘outing’ myself to strangers will still exist into my future,

Until I fix them myself –

Marriage Equality or No Marriage Equality.

Just as our marriage being legal will not change the minds of those with the most concrete views of homosexuality.

Hatred and homophobia doesn’t get extinguished by a law,

But we soldier on, in love, leaving them behind,  stuck in a past we have no desire to return to.

Instead, we become figures of normality to those who come after us,

Those who grow up just like us,

Those seeking desperately to feel normal in their worlds.

Marriage Equality was a joyous and necessary step in becoming the world we want to see.

But whilst the lead-up to this day seven years ago was one of vulnerability, of fear, and of exhausted perseverance,

It has led to an abundance of joy that’s come every day in those seven years since.

I got to get married!

More than 20,000 same-sex couples have married in Australia since.

In wedding days that have been solely focused on love,

On a real, equal love,

And having everyone that they love brought into one room to be happy, excited and joyous –

And share in that together.

And that’s something that can’t ever be taken away from us –

Law or not.

We will always have our joy, our friends, our family, and our loves.

A ring and a certificate won’t magic away any issues,

And nor should it have to.

Our marriages and relationships shouldn’t need to be perfect to make marriage equality worthy in anyone else’s minds.

Just as every man and woman who get married aren’t the torchbearers for whether or not marriage as an institution should endure or not.

Our relationships – while different to some – are pretty similar in construct to everyone else’s,

We choose to enter them because we love each other, and that’s that.

We’ll trip and fall along with the best (and straightest) of them.

Just because we had to fight for it doesn’t mean that it’ll be any more protected or immune from breaking than any others.

But that’s the best part –

We’ve opted to leap in,

To weather the storms together,

And do that straight, cheesy LiveLaughLove stuff together,

Because we want to –

Because we’ve chosen to.

And as for the people who demanded a say and a vote in something that ultimately had nothing to do with them?

They were silenced –

At least in this respect.

Because people like this will always find a new group of people to demonise,

Whose rights they seek to take away,

Finding who they can exclude.

All because they don’t understand,

And won’t seek to understand either.

And for that, I am grateful to not be in their shoes – or in their minds.

I am grateful to have had the experience of being on the other side of their smears and their anger,

To know intimately what it feels like to be there,

To empathise,

And to wish and work towards the idea that no-one should have to go through something like that just to be afforded their basic human rights.

***

So to the religious ones,

Those who fought so hard to keep that ‘sanctity’ intact,

Who deemed two loving, consenting people marrying the biggest threat to their institution.

I hope they’re continually doing their best and working their hardest to preserve the sanctity of all other marriages.

Those with a husband and a wife too.

I praise them for fighting for what they believe in,

I hope they continuing fighting tooth and nail in the name of their lord –

I just hope they view all ‘threats’ to ‘their’ sacred institution through the same lens,

And hope this fight doesn’t begin and end with homosexuality.

Because there’s lots of good lessons to be found within those texts –

Let’s start with ‘love thy neighbour’, shall we?

***

Members of my community have faced far bigger, far more dangerous battles in their lives and in their activism,

But that day, that process, was one of many mountains we trekked (and will trek) to the peak of together.

***

But for now,

The world has moved on.

Time goes on.

For some of us, the scars run deep.

For others, they’ve paid it no mind since.

Some scars still prickle or bleed,

Others heal completely.

We ended this battle as victors,

But still a war rages on.

***

There’s a lot of sadness that has come with reflecting on this period,

Of casting a mind back to the homophobia and fear that was endured all because of this vote,

And realising elements that – sometimes unknowingly – still affect your every day.

But in a sense, I’d do it all again just to get to this point.

Ultimately.

Because there is such a joy that has come from our ‘Yes’.

From having our loves bound in marriage,

For those that so desire it,

And taking that step in the right direction –

In a world that often seems intent on careering backwards.

It was a hard time, yes, in a world full of hard times.

But there is still that silver lining,

That moment where, at every wedding I’ve been to since, we hear those words:

‘Marriage is the union of two people to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life’,

Where I get the jolt.

The rush.

That fire,

The reminder that we did it.

That from a damaging and unnecessary time, came a forever change.

A positive change.

That from that battle,

Came love.

***

Homophobia didn’t end that day,

And some people’s desire to dehumanise the queer community,

And strip us of our dignity and rights certainly won’t die out either.

So here,

Seven years on,

We remember,

We smile,

We grasp hands,

We grit our teeth,

And we keep going.

Because that’s what we do –

We fight hard, we love harder.

***

So cheers to seven years.

We raise a glass to one another,

To the fighting spirit of the rainbow,

And know that we are always, always, better together.